I'm a perfectionist at heart. For some that statement may come as a shock - but for most that know me, they would agree. I know that sometimes my house is an example of a - "... Tornado in a trailer park" (as Zach loves to quote 'Mater'), and my daily attire might be reminiscent of some episode of "what not to wear" - but for the most part I like "order", "efficient use of space", and "clean lines" ( a design principle). That's why the idea of writing a journal log, or "blog" is both exciting and intimidating at the same time. I have always wanted to journal, and for years now I have tried. I have great thoughts on paper such as - "tomorrow I will clean my kitchen, making sure to organize the tupperware cupboard", "today Megan went swimming in a spilled box of cheerios" or "Zach decided to tatoo his body with multiple (thankfully washable) markers". I have never gotten to the point of expressing where I feel weak/strong, angry/joyful , jealous/content or other such emotions. I certainly wouldn't write in pen because - what if I spelled something wrong or wrote something grammatically incorrect.....and I would remember back to free-writing exercises in English class - I could not get the concept of just letting the thoughts flow and correct and edit later.... You see, in sharing my inner thoughts and feelings, and perhaps some insights along the way, I must become vulnerable. I am vulnerable because you will see that I am not really in control of anything right now. Frankly, I am unsure of what my future holds for this human existence - every day I wake to the fear that at any time my life might end much differently than I had dreamed. However, ironically I think that's exactly where I need to be to truly understand my role in this epic called life.
It all comes down to this fundamental truth: God is in control - I'm not.
There is something very freeing about this fact.
One of the many scriptures that comes to light concerning this is Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Even deeper one can see the sovereignty of God in the following passages:
"For our God is in the heavens, and he does whatever he wishes." Psalm 115:3
"The heavens are yours, and the earth is yours; everything in the world is yours -- you created it all" Psalm 89:11
"I know, Lord, that a person's life is not his own. No one is able to plan his own course." Jeremiah 10:23
"You can make many plans, but the Lord's Purpose will prevail." Proverbs 19:21
I love the way Marilyn Meberg describes her feelings on the subject of the sovereignty of God in her book, "God at Your Wits End: hope for wherever you are". (pgs. 62,63)
Did I dare tell God I was not crazy about His plan? Of course. He already knew my feelings. He knew what my feelings would be long before I had the experience that produced those feelings. He knows the beginning from the end, including my emotions. So I told Him what He already knew. And He received my emotions.
How do I know? My faith object [the bible] tells me He knows that humans "are as frail as breath" (Isaiah 2:22). It also tells me, "All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings" (Psalm 36:7). .....
A part of experiencing His shelter, referenced in Psalm 36:7 is trusting the One who provides that shelter. In the passage from Jeremiah, He promises me His plans are meant to give me "a future and a hope." I settle into the comfort of that sheltering promise, even though I may not yet feel the hope He promised. But I trust Him and have faith in His character of love that a higher good is in the making and that one day, I will look back and say, "Ah, yes ... God's hand was in that."
And so I bring to a close this first journal entry (after, I might add, re-reading it oh..... approx. 68 times- spell checking most words). With much resolve I will continue on a regular basis to record the journey of which I find myself. I hope you will join with me as the path winds into unfamiliar landscape - feeling fearful of the unknown, but excited with the adventure -- for if I truly believe that God will work all things together for good to those that love Him.... then I must trust Him in the journey.
Grace be with you,
Amy